Breast Cancer : I never thought it would happen to me

Ben

2011-08-01T09:29:00.002-04:00

Well it has been too long since i have written an update, just FYI im fine. over 5 years cancer free. im writing today to vent. Im just about ready to blow. This is about Ben. Ben is a wonderful husband and friend. Great guy all around. He has health issues that have made him potentially crippled. For years now he has been having terrible muscle spasms in his legs. He is also on meds for Diabetes. The doctor insists that his leg problems are caused from Neuropathy from diabetes. NOT. 1 he had the spasms way before he was diabetic. And 2 i know a lot of diabetics that are insulin dependant that do not ever have muscle spasms. my own grand daughter is insulin dependant diabetic. i know a little about diabetes. Ben's spasms have gotten much worse over the past few years. He has had to take 2 medical leaves, one last year and one this year because of his pain. This last leave was a result of an incompatant neurologist, Dr Navada, in clarksburg. Bens doc refered ben to him. Dr Navadah pulled Ben off his celexa and Gabapentin. and put him on a new one, which i cant remember the name of right now. well after 2 weeks his muscle spasms were worse and he was severely depresed. as a result he had to leave work after one week into his two week tour. at that time he was working 12 days of 12 hour shifts every day then he got one week off. his drive home from Pa. was totally miserable. spasms all the way home in his legs. he called me several times beside himself in pain. the last time he called at midnight. he said get dressed and meet me at UHC im going to the ER. He was crying i could tell all throughout the trip he was in really bad shape. However i had never seen him this bad. I said if you have to Ben, pull off and all 911. I was scared to death he would wreck and kill his self or someone else. thankfuly he made it to the hospital. a few minutes before me. when i arrived he was being checked in. he was crying uncontrollably. shaking all over. the spasm had worked its way all the up his back to his neck. he was slurring his words. his vision was blurry too he said. they checked his sugar it was fine. i was terrified. he was too im sure. by the time they got him in a room it had eased a bit. the er doc came in. asked a million questions. to which i answered most of em for ben. that doctor wouldnt even look at me. i know doctors dont like to hear from anyone but the patient but we have been married since 1981. i live with ben i know him. i feel his pain. i wanted to tell ben to tell the doc to listen to me. but i didnt. and i still wish i had. anyway, the doc did blood work i am not sure what they tested for but it was all normal they said. they also did ct of his brain since his vision was blurry. the ct was good. so they gave no meds nothing or pain. but he offered ben some tylenol. wtf for muscle spasm. tylenol. omg im just fuming. by this time his spasms were mostly gone. so they sent him home with papers that said he had RLS. restless leg syndrome. how can doctors be so totally incompetant. i have RLS. im on meds for it. i still have it a few nights a week. i end up pacing the floor till it passes. but it does not cause severe pain. ben has seen me sit here and constantly move my legs because they wont stop twitching or contracting. this is no comparison to his spasms. and on top of it all. then Dr. Navadah also insisted on putting ben thru the sleep lab because, he said often times people with "thick necks" had sleep apnea. right away i protested. i said were not here for this were here for muscle spasms. he said well this has nothing to do with muscle spasms. but if he had sleep apnea maybe we could get to have a better nights sleep that would help him maybe. ben said he would do it. the result was from the doc. a little sleep apnea, not bad enough that the doc would insist on him wearing the machine. he would leave that up to ben. i said fine now can we concentrate on his muscle spasms. i could tell right away it pissed him off. thats when he pulled him off the meds and tried the new one that he said was prescribed for many different conditions. he thought it would help. well when it didnt and we back i hit him with several questions to which he had no answers for. he said sometimes there are no answers its a matter of the right medication. i said then how do you know what medication to give him if you dont know what is causing the problem. he got up and said i think it would be best if you left now obviously im not the right doctor for you. but he recomended he try requip. which is for again, RLS. as well as other issues one of them being muscle spasms. i said fine we can try that. so he same as threw us out. that was the end of that. so we go back to bens family doc. and push for him to be refered to cleveland clinic. well that took red tape and pulling teeth to get it finally done. the appointment was made last thursday. we were told to see a neuroligist. yet another one, by the way. but ben wanted to go there if no one else could help him maybe they could. and he needs relief from the pain. well today when i was packing and going to meet ben in new martinsville, where he is working. then we were going to leave the hotel in the morning to go to cleveland. i called dr khan's office to get a phone number for cleveland so i could get an address where we were going. only to call cleveland and be told that this is a sleep lab appointment. man did i looose it. were back to square one. and not only that but cleveland was told that ben had RLS. i cant believe what im hearing. i told cleveland we had already been thru this. he had been to a sleep lab already and that he does not have RLS. he has severe muscle spasms. day and night, night and day. they seem to be triggered by him being on his feet at work for hours everyday. it has to be something pushing on a nerve some where in his back. thats my opinion. why wont the doctors listen to us. why cant they help him. so thats where we are at this point. NO WHERE... this rant will be continued at a later date.

the musings of a cancer survivor

2010-06-15T23:34:00.002-04:00

hello world, well here we are in the hot summer of 2010. so far its been a pretty nice summer. ben had a rough period for a few months he had to take some time off work due to his body and its different aches and pains. he has arthritis pretty bad from all the years of working in the oil field and beating himself up with various injuries. he is doing much better thank god. he has returned to work at any rate. for how long i guess we shall see. hopefully he will be ok. so as he is working that leaves me at home to deal with lifes little bumps and mishaps. my daughter is doing pretty good as a single lady. she has a great boyfriend, eric. her daughter cass, graduated from high school and has been excepted at concord college in athens wv. 3 hours away from mommy. and an insulin dependant diabetic. god get her thru this.she is also engaged to a good guy. she plans on waiting till she graduates from college to get married. so far she has a good head on her shoulders. i hope once she is on her own she doesnt get to free spirited and screw it all up. jeremiah is fast becoming a young man. he is so inteligent. but lacks concentration and motivation. he struggles a lot with school work. i hope he can manage to muddle thru ok. me, well im living my days thankful to be alive. i so enjoy my family. i love not working because it leaves me free to take life in stride. im now 5 years since diagnosis. thank you lord! i go in august for mammo and dr brager. by then it will be 5 years since i finished chemo. i shouldnt have to see him again for a year. if everything goes well. as for my body, well its still struggling. i still have a lot of pain from all the surgeries. the scar tissue i guess. and i have a lot of it. still have a lot of numbness also. though i can get the oddest sinsations on the areas that are seemingly numb. sometimes i get pains where its numb. why? i have no idea. or an itch where its numb and i cant feel myself scratch it even. so how do i feel that it is itching? very strange indeed. its all just a lot of things i deal with on a daily basis. still havent got used to the way i look. still dont like to be naked in front of ben. though he doesnt say anything or seem to notice i just feel the need to stay covered up. i remember when i rarely wore clothes in the summer, lol. now the only time im totally naked in the house is if im alone. all this is not something i have shared with a lot of people. i have pretty much kept it in the family. and its rarely discussed anymore. i still have days when i am very angry my life has come to this. though im still very thankful im still here. its just hard to explain. after all this time i still have a hard time dealing with it. maybe i always will. i hope not though. i just want to be normal and never will be again. so i find ways to cope. mostly i pretend im normal. life is a game sometimes. i know everyone has problems. others way more serious than mine. how do you just not think about that? how do you just say fuck it i dont care. how do people cope with everyday stresses? the sad thing is some dont. some take drastic measures to get thru the day. they find an out. so to speak. one thing that relieves the stress. for some it might be exercise. others it might be food. for those that have even harder times coping there is always drugs or alcohol. no one has patience anymore. its all about now now now. we want it now. why does everything take so long. a rough patch financially. might last a few months. so you go borrow money to get you through. but then you just have to pay that back. we get a cold that might last a week or 2. you might run to the doctor. i need drugs help me doc. sorry it has to run its course. anything out of the ordinary is a pain in the ass. if it takes us out of our comfort zone god forbid. how to cope? what do i do now. this is not what im use to. shoot i cant stand to drive my husbands truck because my car has my conforts in it. it has gum it has a nail file it has a pair of nail clippers it has tissues it has lip stuff. i go in my husbands and im like shoot i dont have something this sucks.grrrrrrrr im going home and get mine. im addicted to my comfort zone. i rarely leave it. i cant cope if im not in it. im falling apart at the seems. lol.one thing happens to upset the normal flow of my day and im pulling my hair out. omg is it ever gonna end. i want my normal back. find a way to get thru it. i can understand why so many get hooked on drugs or alcohol. no one can cope with lifes little problems. we fall apart. i know families with kids and grand kids and no one knows what the rest of em are doing. who can keep up. you have to work eat sleep clean the house bye the food do the laundry. then this kid does this and that one does that and its grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. wheres my dam calgon??? though some how most of us get thru. somehow some way. thank god. and that was what was so hard about cancer and chemo. talk about out of my comfort zone. geesh i had to rest almost all day just to get thru the day. and it killed me to not be able to jump up and do things i would normally do. but i got thru. with a lot of praying i tell you. lol. where theres a will theres a way. you have to keep a positive attitude rely on friends and family to get you thru it. now im back to my normal life. not the normal i had to adjust to with each step of the way when i was diagnosed with cancer. and i love it. lol. life is good. in fact its great. so to ben and angie and bud and cass, i love you guys. so very much. my good friends that i would not have met had i died, pd, mike, fixx, john, and a few others thank you for being in my life. im so blessed to have you in my life. so til next time guys, enjoy life. padiddle.

WEATHER

2009-11-30T23:29:00.002-05:00

hello world, well we have moved into december. i hate cold weather. i love sunshine. not much of it this time of year either. thanksgiving has come and gone now to get thru christmas. i also hate the holidays. i am just not a winter person. though thanksgiving was good. we had a lot of food. the kids were here along with angie's new boyfriend, eric. he is very nice. i think he might be a keeper. yeah well in case i forgot to mention it angie got a divorce this past summer. her ex was just to weird to live with. he had serious issues that made it impossible for her to stay with him. so there doing great on there own. geesh the grand kids are growing up so fast. cass will be 18 in january and graduates high school in 2010. bud is getting a mustache geesh. they are both great kids. the next time i go to doc brager i will be 5 years cancer free. woooo hoooooo. man i cant believe it. im doing great. except for getting older and clumsier. if it can be messed up i can do it. lol. im not going into details here, just believe it. oh and speaking of weather. im kind of a weather fan. love the weather chanel and jim cantore. i have got a new weather station that is on the net now with weather underground. charles helped me set it all up. he is the geek of the family. without him i couldnt do it. my station ID is, KWVBUCKH7. or http://baileyridge.buckhannonlive.com/index.html, there is the link. lol. and again charles set up the page for me. he can do anything on a computer. its amazing to watch him. i really love having him around, he is great fun. well anywho. its past my bedtime i just wanted to update this thing i call my cancer blog. i dont talk much about cancer in it anymore. so i will just chat about what ever my heart desires i guess. love to everyone, family and friends. i thank god for you all and my wonderful life. padiddle for now, robin

Broken

2009-09-21T22:01:00.002-04:00

Well, i dont watch much tv anymore. however i do stil watch house,that is dr house. he plays a crotchity old doctor. sometimes funny sometimes pathetic. tonights episode for the opening season was titled, Broken. i hope a lot of people watch it. it certainly was interesting. funny, sad, first one emotion then another. it made me cry it made me laugh. gee thats pretty much me at times. just dont take much to switch my moods. either im happy or sad. or just dont give a shit. lol. but i would be willing to bet most people get that way. sometimes i wonder if were all not "BROKEN" in some way. why is there cancer? why is there mental illness? why do some get it and some dont? god only knows. thankfully most people handle lifes day to day problems well. for those of us that dont, there are drugs. lol thank god for drugs. thank god for family, friends, and the internet. those things keep me sane more so than drugs. but drugs help. now im talking prescription drugs of course. though if marijuana were made legal here in good ole WV, hell ya i would buy it. im in a "mood" tonight. to quote a friend. life gives us all sorts of things to deal with. some good, some not so good. i have had lots of good and i have had lots of bad. so have others. i have a friend, gail, who recently found out her cancer is back. why? who knows. maybe one day mine will be too. who knows. i hope not. but i always wonder why. why some and not others. why not me? yeah i always wonder that. no one knows. no one will ever know. and why sadness and depression. have you ever thought that there is just one thing that can happen to make another person come completely unglued. one thing is all it takes. one singl event. or one action. or one word. and suddenly your head turns inside out. how do you recover from something like that. how do you overcome it. another who knows answer. for each person its different. some run away. some pretend it didnt happen. untill another event sets them back into that otherly world of omg im nuckin futs. i think we have all had those times in our lives. when we wonder, whats wrong with me? why did i do that? why did i say that? god help me cause i dont know. but most of us are able to step back and think about it. see it from a different standpoint. try to figure it out in our heads. somehow make it right. make it so that you can understand it. in your mind at least. maybe others dont. i think we all have times that were weak. mentally and physicaly. though we dont like others to know it. we try to handle problems from within ourselves. and hopefull for most that works. because if it dont, others end up getting hurt by that one thing. just that one thing. i like to think that there are happy people and sad in this world. so the next time you are so blissfully happy. there is someone somewhere who just got told they have cancer. someone who found out there child was just killed in a car wreck. there are both ends to the scale of emotions. why do some people suffer to protect others. a mother who goes without so her children can have better things. people who love each other but know they cant share that love. because others would be hurt. why is there so much pain? is it any wonder the world is such a mess. so anywho, just my thoughts for the night. all brought on by dr. house. lol. i really hope that when people watch this show they see it as a life learning experience. that you grow from it. that you learn there is more in this world than what you want. its more important to have what you need. i mean really it is. love and happiness is what its all about really. true friends are hard to find. honest ones that is. oh well enough of my mood for one night. just want to say i love my friends and family. have a great life folks. padiddle, Robin

follow up mammo

2009-08-24T22:50:00.003-04:00

well gee 6 months sure goes fast. especially when its summer and your having fun. lol,,, i had my follow up and got the results. no signs of cancer. yaaaaaaaaa for me. woooo hoooooo... well thats all good then. except that my first cancer didnt show up on the mammo. oh well. so life goes on. and for me its a great life. with wonderful friends and family. speaking of family. i have adopted a brother. lol,,, his name is charles, otherwise known as PRARIEDOG. i love him to death. he is a very special friend to ben and me both. having PD here has kept me busy this summer. he is so smart and very funny. also infuriating at times. but then i am not easy to get along with at times. so its all good. PD and ben built me a new deck. oh its so nice. thank you guys so much. well its time for school to start. geesh the kids are growing up so fast. cass will graduate from high school next year. jeremiah is in middle school now. man am i getting old. but i love those kids so much. there great kids. angie divorced D this summer. she is living on her own for the first time in her life. im very proud of her. her and the kids are doing great. so winter is coming and i hope its mild. i hate the cold. and ben and pd both have to work out in it. it sucks for them and others who have to be in the cold.i hope they stay warm enough. well thats about all i know for now. in april i will be going on my 5 years cancer free. hope it stays away. see you all soon. if there is anyone reading this that might have cancer. i wish you luck and just know there is life after cancer. trust in god and enjoy every day your given. love and happiness to all,padiddle, Robin

just another mammo

2009-02-25T13:24:00.002-05:00

well its been a year since my last post. mammo time again. i went monday feb. 16th. it went well very quickly and no extra film was needed. on the 20th i got the results. wouldnt you know, they see someting. it appears to be non cancerous. but, they want a followup in 6 months. well thus is the life. doesnt surprise me at all. im not gonna worry about it. in the mean time. im feeling great, getting on with life as a cancer survivor. i bought a treadmill. have been trying to walk a mile 3 or 4 days a week at least. im really surprised that i can. i figured it would make my hips or knees hurt, but remarkably my joints feel better. i was doing so good the first month i lost 8 pounds. then i started feeling bad my bp was a little high. so i eased up on walking. then ben got sick and passed it to me. some sort or tummy bug. i didnt walk for at all for a week. now im back to walking i hope i can keep it up. i really feel so much better when i walk. oh and a quick word about the holidays. we had a guest for christmas. prariedog is a truck driver. he had a run to southern wv just before christmas. so since he was that close we asked him to spend the holidays with us. he parked his truck at our super walmart. it was so good to share our holiday with him. at least he wasnt alone like so many other drivers that haul cross country. everyone needs friends and family and especially on holidays. he was perfect gentleman and not a bit of bother. we loved having him with us. everyone should apreciate americas truck drivers they do a lot to keep us in our necessaties that we use in our everyday lives. everything we use is brought by truck to our stores. where would we be without them. its not an easy life being a truck driver they dont get paid near enough for all they do. my family is great as always. love you all a bunch. ben, angie, cass, and bud, you make my life so happy and full. till next time world i wish good health and happiness to all. padiddle, Robin

I DODGED ANOTHER BULLIT

2008-02-19T18:37:00.004-05:00

Well a few weeks ago i had the surgical biopsy. Its healing well. Today i went to the surgeon for my follow up visit. She said the pathology report says its not cancer. Its fat nacrosis. Which she says is caused from the my previous surgery. Now correct me if im wrong, but wont this biopsy surgery cause more of the same? Well duh, looks like im screwed. But I am alive, so that over rides screwed. HAHA. Well thus is the life of a cancer survivor. And i can live with that. The operative word here being, LIVE. You see, i like living. In general, though my body is not exactly whole anymore. I am a happy girl. And thats whats important. So if there are any readers out there that may have cancer, just know that there is life after cancer. And though it took me a long time to believe that, and trust me it did. Its so very true. I mean i have great friends and a wonderful family. My grandkids are wonderful. And my daughter is a GEM. My husband is wonderful too. I love them all so much. I really do have a new and better way of looking at things now. Having cancer has given me a new and wonderful appreciation for life. And at first diagnosis believe me there was nothing good or wonderful about being told you have cancer. It ripped my world as i knew it apart. But now, almost 3 years after that diagnosis, i can say that i truly say that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. So, knowing i have definately dodged another bullit, i am so happy with my life that i have now. So thank you lord for your wonderful presence in my life. And i know you got me through. So for now everyone. Until the next reason i have to write about another experience in my life, and im sure there will be another one, be happy people.
Padiddle

WHO SAID IT WAS A WONDERFUL WORLD?

2008-01-17T16:16:00.000-05:00

Was that me? Hell yes it was!! And i meant it. But they say shit happens. Well indeed it does. I ended last week with my 6 month follow up mammogram. That was the most painful one i have ever had. It was a different tech this time. My nice sweet pregnant lady was on maternity leave. And by george this new one tightened the vise. Dang it hurt. I even bruised and i have never bruised from a mammo. Well anyway it was done and over with. Well wouldnt you know they called me back in for more pics. Just like the last one 6 months ago. So i think, again, this is the life of a cancer survivor. Just extra precautions because i have a history. So i went and had more pics taken yesterday. And it was a different lady but she was very gentle. No problems. Well that was till today. My cancer doctor called. Seeing his name on the caller ID of course i knew. Well i have to have a biopsy. And i honestly think, though at this point im in a panic anyway, but i think he wants me to consider a mastectomy on my only surviving breast. Well anyway he is gonna call the surgon and make me an appointment. At the very least another biopsy. Im sure it will be a complete removal of the are of concern. At this point im keeping my breast. Thats just the way it is. So we wait. Yet again. And Pray yet again. Of course i havent quit praying. Maybe slacked off a bit. But i guess i allowed myself to get to comfortable in my own skin. Just goes to show you, you cant take life for granted. So much for my wonderful world. It just came crashing down around me. But maybe im in a panic for no reason. Do you think i could be that lucky? Well i sure hope so. Cause i dont know if i can do this again. Im so emotionally drained. I just dont have the strength. So im gonna try my best to think positive. So for now i will continue to live and love and go on. Somehow, just go on.I dont know how to end this post on a happy note. I just have to stop writing till the next one. So Padiddle!!!!!

What A Wonderful World

2007-07-23T20:43:00.000-04:00

Hello World, Well it has been a wonderful summer for me. The best i have had in 2 years. I had my annual mammogram last month. I was really dreading it for 2 reasons. One being that it was my first after my reconstruction and i was worried about pain, and 2 because, just because. So when the day came it went well actually. We did it and when the nice young pregnant lady went to look at the results as i waited before i could get dressed. But she came back and said i could get dressed and go. Yaaaaaaaaaaa i thought. Thats overwith. Then a few days later they called. I needed to come back for more pics the doctor saw something. So when i got there i asked her if she new what he saw and she let me read the report. All i could really get was 2 areas of what appeared to be calcifications. So we took about 6 more shots and she checked them and said i could go. So it was overwith again. So now i wait. Well when i get the report in the mail it said no apparent signs of cancer but he recomends a 6 month recheck. So i guess thats the life of a cancer survivor. Waiting, hoping, and praying a lot of praying. Well my daughter and me decided we wanted to take a little trip. When she was young we lived in Edinboro Pennsylvania for a few years. And in the summers we ewnt to Lake Erie which to us was like an ocean, since neither of us ahd ever been to an ocean. She wanted her kids to visit there. So we planned the trip. But we had another plan that we kept from her 9 year old son, Jeremiah. We had a friend that lived near a museum. It was called Tyred Wheels Museum. And they just happen to have a 1969 Dodge Charger that had been renovated to look like the General Lee from the Dukes of Hazard. Now my grandson jsut happened to be a huge Dukes fan. He has seen most of the shows on DVD. And loves that car. So we made that our main goal. To take Miah to see that car. So we left early on a sunday morning. We got close to our destination when we found a place to eat lunch. After we finished lunch there was a bunch of pamplets aobut things to see and do in the area. So angie picked up a couple things. And in the car she jsut happen to let a paper fall out of the book, which we recieved in the mail from the friend in Pa earlier. She showed it to Miah and it told all about the 5000 antique toys and cars and trains. Of course he wanted to go there. So we proceeded in hte direction of Tyred Wheels Museum. When we got there I saw the car in question sitting in the front yard so i pulled up there. His mom had her camera out and said "Miah whats that orange car there?" We had put the windows down and the people there could hear him carrying on about the General Lee. Man he was one happy boy. So we parked and met the friend that made this all possible and his girlfriend. SawdustJohn and Julie. They were both so nice and sweet. John went on about how he could hear miah in the car when he saw the General. So since the weather was warm Miah actually got to go for a ride. His mom in the back seat filming said he was speechless for the first time in his life. At one point the car backfired and Miah said "that didnt sound good". Ha Ha that boy. Then his mom said can i get a big hee haw. Man he gave the biggest heee haaww i ever heard. It was a dream come true for that boy. And us too. So we went inside and looked around after his nice ride. Its a beautiful place in the country. We had a wonderful time. So then we proceded to go on to the rest of our destination. We stopped in Edinboro to see where we use to live and drive around a while, then on to erie. We went to the hotel and rested for a bit then we drove to Presque Isle. Which is a penninsula out into the lake. The kids loved that and we got to take a sunset cruise on a quite large boat named The Lady Kate. We got some wondrful sunset pics. And the weather couldnt have been nicer. All in all we had a wonderful time. It was so nice to get away. So as you can see my summer has been fun filled. Finally i was able to enjoy it. So this is the life of this cancer survivor. living and loving life. And i never stop praying for continued good health. So i dont know when i will post again. I guess when i have something to talk about. untill then, blessings to all, Padiddle

Life is good

2007-03-26T13:12:00.000-04:00

hello world, well spring has sprung. Finally. Easter flowers are up the trees are budding and the weather is terrific. and i feel better than i have for 2 years since this night mare started. yep i finally feel normal again. you know its funny but the pain i have had all across my tummy area from the surgery.it is finally gone. i dont know when it happened but it just dawned on me one day that it didnt hurt any more. oh man what a relief. finally to be pain free. i noticed that i can flop over in bed now instead of turning slowly. its so cool. man i almost dont know how to act any more.but looking forward to being able to get out side and do things. my past 2 summers have both been shot. first with chemo then with the reconstruction surgery. i was suppose to go back to my plastic surgeon but i canceled the appointment. he just wanted to talk about more surgery. and as good as i feel now there is no way i am gonna put my self through that again.it is just not worth it.i am getting to old to worry about little things . i have a life and i am gonna get on with it. i have put my family through enough. my husband and daughter were great through all this and i love them bunches. so we all can live a normal life now. just enjoy life. so for now i am gonna do just that. my next big thing is a mammogram the end of june and i will probably not post any more till then. so say prayers for a good out come for me. love and blessings to all.
Padiddle

It is a bright new sun shiny day

2007-03-07T20:32:00.000-05:00

Today i had an appointment with my radiology doctor. It went well.She was glad to see that i am feeling god and had more hair. Even though it is still very much thinner. Its hair i dont care if its pink yellow or blue. It hair. And it on my head.I am proud as a peacock. So anywho i had an appointment with the lady who fits people for prosthetic breasts after i saw my radiology doctor. Well as you may know if you have read my blog. I had breast reconstruction surgery in june of 06. However it didnt go well for me. After 3 months of fat necrosis and stuffing holes and a second surgery to repair the problems with the first surgery. I had 2 smaller areas of fat necrosis holes to stuff for about another month. needless to say what i ended up with is not pretty to look at unfortunately. And though i had the right side reduced to match the left side they built. The left side is much misshapen and smaller than the right. The doctor wants to do another complete surgery using tissue from my back to fix it. Well now that i am finally feeling normal after these 2 years of trials and tribulations there is no way i am going through this again. Thus the appointment with the "boob lady". Anyway i had already decided regardless of the out come i was done with surgery. So we met. And to tell you the truth i really didnt expect this to have a positive outcome. I just didnt think there would be a prosthesis that we could get to fit well over the bump i had there. Guess What? WE DID . HOORAY. I walked out of there as happy as a bug in a rug. With 2 MATCHING BOOBS!

That is not the plan i had in mind certainly. And knowing what i know now. I would never have had the surgery in the first place. But as they say hindsight is 20/20. So in a way i am back where i started. after my mastectomy. Wearing a fake Boob. But you know what its my body . And quite frankly scarlet "I just dont give a damn". So there you go. Thats my story and i`m sticking to it.

Paddidle

birthdays

2007-02-18T04:02:00.000-05:00

well i had a birthday. Feb. 6th i turned half a century old. to say the least it sucks. but such is life. i bought myself an 80 dollar of Chanel #5 perfume. wow i love it. i don't feel any older. might look older. but then don't we all. life goes on so they say.

and also this month my grandson Jeremiah had a birthday. HAPPY BIRTHDAY Miah. nanny loves you. i bought him a pair of roller skates. he and his mom and sister had been skating a few times and he wanted his own pair. then we all went skating , well i didn't. never been on a pair and don't want to start now. if i put on skates and fell it would take a few good men to get me off the floor. my joints aren't what they used to be . between the damage chemo does to your bones and the arthur i inherited from mom my joints are not good. so anyway the kids had a good time. i really loved watching everyone skate. it really looks like fun. wish i had done it when i was young.

i go back to my surgeon next month. i am still contemplating what to do. i know he want to do more surgery . and i would love to have this mes fixed. but knowing the horror that i have already been through i just don't think i can do it again. so somehow i have to learn to adjust to not having an evenly shaped pair of breasts. i still have a lot of pain from the surgery's i have already had. and i just cant put myself back in to recovery mode again. all my incisions still hurt. not to mention my whole abdomen still hurts where the stomach tissue was tunneled up through. it has just turned out to be a horrible mess. i really wish i never had it done. it was a lot of expense for not only us but not to mention the insurance company. all that money wasted. for nothing. but pain.

on a lighter side i went for my 3 month check up with my oncologist. finally my blood counts are all back to normal. and still cancer free. thank you Jesus. so really i guess i shouldn't complain. and i really don't much. i think about it all a lot and yes there is pain everyday. i wonder if it will ever go away. but i am alive and well and have a wonderful family and husband. who by the way also had a birthday this month he was 51. my doctor has scheduled my annual mammogram for sometime in June. boy am i dreading that. the incision around my good breast is so tender i don't know if i can stand the vice . hopefully by the end of June it will be OK.

till next time blessings to all.

Padiddle
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Sago mine memorial

2007-01-06T11:38:00.008-05:00

January 2nd marked the 1 year anniversary of the terrible accident that killed 12 people. one miner, Randall McCloy, who was with the 12 is the sole survivor . It was a terrible fie days for our community. i cant imagine what the families must have went through. especially give the miscomunication that happened.

Happy Birthday Cassie

2007-01-05T19:33:00.000-05:00

Today is my granddaughter, Cassie`s, 15th birthday. It seems like only yesterday that she was a baby. I still remember the first time she touched me. When she was born they lived about 3 hours away and i didn't get to see them that often and as a result Cass didn't really get to know me until she was a few months old. She was a little afraid so i couldn't really hold her and love on her like i wanted to. we were visiting them and she was just learning to walk. she would hold on to the furniture and walk along. i was sitting on the couch and she was holding on to the couch beside me and she reached and put her little hand on my knee. That was the first time she had really reached out to me on her own. i will never forget that. i felt like we really came to know each other that very moment. she has always been so special to me. i don't know what it is about grand kids but they are just very special. i worry my but off about them. Cass and Miah both. but anyway Angie took Cass and a few friends skating tonight. i hope they have lots of fun. Happy birthday baby girl and remember you will always be my baby girl. love, nanny

She is Hot Stuff in her Redwings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

New Pics

2007-01-04T12:20:00.000-05:00

I just put some new pics on my blog. KOKO is my buddy when i was on chemo and didn't feel well as was the case a lot i would lie in bed sometimes and cry and if she heard me crying she would come to me and nuzzle me as if to say its ok mommy. she was always by my side. and these two wonderful grand kids. what can i say. they are so special to me. Cass is an insulin dependent diabetic. has been for a few years now will be for the rest of her life unfortunately. she has an insulin pump. she handles it all very well. Miah is very smart as is cass. miah is all boy loves monster trucks and wrestling. Today in my little world it is january 4th and the sun is shining brightly it is 55 degrees and i love it. i hate cold weather. though the local ski resorts are not very happy. oh and you are probably wandering what is up with PADIDDLE!
Well you see there is this little game we play around here at night. when we are traveling if we see a car with one headlight out we call it a padiddle. i don't know why or where it came from but anyway. i jokingly tell everyone that i am a padiddle because i only have one nipple. Well i had thought about having one tattooed on but considering what i have ended up with there is just no point in having it done so i will be a padiddle. So long for now.
padiddle

life after reconstruction

2007-01-03T20:25:00.000-05:00

Well i don't quite know where to start. i came home expecting a long recovery after all i had been cut from hip to hip in my stomach. my right breast was reduced and lifted my left one, the new one, was struggling to stay alive.i had seepage from my new belly button, a little from my big tummy incision, a little from my right breast all of which i had to keep gauze on. then of course there was the dying tissue on the reconstructed breast that had to be covered with 4x4`s all the time. they all had to be changed 2 or 3 times a day. i went back to the doctor in about a week and that is when the fun began so to speak. his nurse that assisted with the surgery spent a lot of time with me cleaning all the different wounds and such and the doctor came in and saw that the dying tissue was getting worse. they told me i had fat necrosis. and as a result it just kept breaking down and it was so Gross. at this point i was a nervous wreck because things weren't going as expected. not even close. well i could not hardly look at it. it grossed me out really made me sick to look at it so when the nurse asked the doctor what do you want to do about this tunneling and he said pack it. well i just started balling again. so i had a hole that went towards my breast bone and it had to have what they called a wet to dry dressing put in it. and it had to be changed 2 times a day. thank god again for Angie. i asked her if she could do it and she said yes. so she had to come morning and night to pull out the old dressing and put in new. i just thank god it didn't hurt. i have been numb on that side ever since my mastectomy. oh sometimes i would feel some sensation there or it might burn a little because we had to use sterile water. but for the most part no pain. well for a few weeks Angie did this. every week we would go back to Morgantown for a recheck . eventually that first tunnel closed itself off or healed. then i got one going straight up towards my neck. it just never seemed to end. so my doctor arranged to have home health come to my home twice a week to teach me how to deal with it and to change the dressing my self. so Angie got a break. and this is where my next new normal comes in. it took a lot of time but eventually i had been doing it my self some times. once i adjusted to it and got used to it. it was my new normal. this went on for 3 months. and it also had bacteria in it. the smell was very bad. it was a lot to deal with believe me. i would beg the doctor to fix it to do something to close it up i was ready to just take the whole thing off. i was done with the whole thing. but he would talk to me and convince me that my life was not in danger and i could do anything i wanted as long as nothing hurt and it didn't hurt even at its worst. home health measured the hole and it was 4 inches deep at its deepest and about 3 inches from the bottom towards my neck. and all the time the thing that i had hoped to call a breast was getting smaller. they called it my flap. but i wanted it to be my breast. so anyway finally in September the doctor said it was time to fix it. and it was a same day surgery he went in and basically closed up the hole and in the process moved around a little fat on the lest side to make it more proportioned. Well wouldn't you know by the time i went back to him for my follow up after that surgery it had started again. fat necrosis all over again. but this time it was 2 small holes one on the bottom and one on the left hand side. and yes i had to pack them both. the bottom one healed up first. in a few weeks it was to small to pack so i just kept gauze on it to catch the drainage till it just healed itself shut. the other hole however got bigger. home health gave me some new packing material called caltostat. it was made from seaweed. and it worked well. it was about a foot long and an inch wide i could get the whole thing in the hole . of course i lift about an inch hang out to pull it out when i changed it. this time the hole was running across the top of my breast towards my breast bone and it went back in a good ways to get all that seaweed in it. so anyway a few more weeks of that and the hole was getting smaller and smaller all the time till it got so small i couldn't get anything in it. so i put gauze on it to catch the drainage. so no i have what looks like about half a tennis ball for a breast on that side. needless to say not what i wanted to end up with. so when i go out i wear a sports bra with a little extra packing in that side to make me look even. and i have come to accept that that is what i am now. i go back to the doctor in February when he says we will talk about how to fix it. but at this point i don't want to have to go through any more major surgeries. so i think this is what i am going to be. i have been through so much and for nothing it seems sometimes. except for the fact that i have a lot of family who loves me and a wonderful husband and daughter. this is my life now and we have all excepted it. disappointing as it may be. there are worse thing in life like
CANCER!!!!!!!!!!! so i consider myself very luck to be alive and well. if any one who reads this would like to post feel free i know there will be some who may be upset understandably. and i didn't do this to scare any one. it is just a large part of how my life has been and it has helped me to write it down . though it has been hard a lot of this i had forgotten about.
cancer is very scary and sometimes has a terrible result. who is to say whether or not i might ever have it again. only god knows. so for now i will go and wish health and love to everyone who reads this. for now..
padiddle

my new normal

2007-01-02T20:01:00.000-05:00

well here i am again. i have been busy on ebay today. when i was a little girl my mom made quilts. i remember one that was a most beautiful star. i haven't seen it in years but i know a family member has what is left of it. so anyway i decided i wanted one to remind me of her. so i hit ebay. now i have 3. though they will never replace the one she made i love them just the same. i would like to make my own star quilt one day. well back to my situation. the reason i title this my new normal is because every step of the way with cancer i looked at it as my new normal. just like when 9-11-01 happened and the world had to learn a new normal. every step with cancer is a period of adjustment i called my new normal.
You see starting in 2005 i had 2 different doctors tell me that my tumor was dense breast tissue, even though it was quite large and getting bigger all the time. you can imagine my surprise when i had it biopsied, at the insistence of my family doctor, to be told that it was indeed cancer. i went for the results to the surgeons office alone fully expecting to hear a positive report. as soon as the doctor walked in to the room i could see by the look on her face what i had. and i said to her "i do not like that look on your face" and she said to me are you here by your self and i said yes.
she said i am sorry to tell you that you have cancer. Well like the big baby i am i busted out bawling. and of course we both knew and she told me that as large as it was the whole breast would have to come off . I understood i had no other option . it was either loose my breast or loose my life. it was just that simple. Thus my new normal #1. learning to except that I had cancer and at the same time a week later i was going to loose my left breast. that was my normal #2. well then of course there is the problem of telling family. not to mention that i actually thought i was going to die. i had a sister inlaw that had died of the very same thing only a few years before. though she refused to have it treated till it was to late. And being a survivor unlike her i feel guilty knowing she didnt make it. anyway it had to be done. everyone knew i was getting the results and were waiting to hear. i have 5 sisters i brother my husband of course my daughter. well it was going to be very difficult. so the first person i told was my sister bonnie. she was at work i went there told her then i had to walk across the street to tell my daughter, Angie, who was at work also. You know i actually thought about just walking out in front of a car and getting it over with because i knew how bad chemo would be. and i didn't think i could beat it anyway. well i didn't though. so i told Angie and she stayed very calm and said "we`ll deal with it" . at the time i thought how? Later i learned, with prayer. so on it went telling every one and getting company from neighbors and friends and family. and that was wonderful. i had a lot of support. so any way i had the mastectomy it went well. not much pain went home the next day. however when the Dr came to take off the bandages i was again by myself so i told the dr i wasn't ready to look at it. she said that's fine don't until you are ready.
as soon as she went out the door i snuck a peek. and again like the baby i am busted out bawling. i never ever thought i would see such a terrible deformity on my own body . not that i was better than that. just that it was hard. to look at my own chest and see one breast size c though hanging it was at least there. and beside it nothing. how in the world i wondered was i ever going to live like this. what was my husband going to think. would he leave? Ben and i have been married 24 years at this point. and we had our ups and downs but all in all we were solid. but this was something neither one of us anticipated. so anyway my daughter was going to come and take me home if Ben didn't but i called Angie balling and said "i looked at it and it is so ugly can you come. of course she did right away. she was so wonderful i don't know what i would have done with out her. and she looked at it and said "well it`s not pretty but it`s healthy" well i hadn't thought of it that way and that really did help but i just kept on bawling. so then Ben came and we went home. I never let Ben look at it until it came chemo time. i really didn't expect him to go with me. when he said he was i kinda panicked. i said well if you are going you will probably going to see this and i don't want the first time to be there so if you want to see lets do it now. that was one of the hardest things i have ever done in my life because i didn't know what his reaction would be. and i am crying now remembering this. he looked at it, he touched it ever so gently, gave me a hug and told me he loved me and he wasn't going any where. i was really bawling then and i said how did i get so lucky he said he was the lucky one. so away we went. i had my own entourage every time i had chemo. Ben went all but the last one i think. Angie was there for most and at least 2 sisters sometimes there were 4 or 5 people and of course i don't think i got through a one with out crying. well you see i didn't have a port and the chemo was very hard on my veins and most times i had to have the iv moved and all that sticking and burning of the veins it was very hard. the only good thing was i never got throwing up sick. but as soon as that poison entered my veins i felt an immediate effect from it. usually just weird sometimes a hot flushing of my body. it just was strange. it was weird to walk into the hospital for chemo feeling reasonably good and walk out feeling crappy. every time. my new normal #3 was learning to except these poisons into my body and how they affected me. and after each and every chemo treatment i threatened to quit but with so many supporters there was no way. thank god. My new normal #4 was learning to be bald. of all these new normals i don't honestly know which one was hardest but this one has to be close. about a week after my first chemo, well i would go to the mirror every day and grab a hand full of hair to check to see is it was time. well one time it was time. i grabbed a handful and the inevitable happened. i pulled out a hand full. so again i started bawling. i would like to have been one of the ones that just left it alone and maybe covered it with a scarf and let it happen at will but no i didn't want it all over the place so i stood there and i pulled and pulled and bawled. i didn't pull hard i would just run my fingers through it and it would just come right out. oh i had some here and there for a few more weeks but eventually it was all gone. so we knew it would happen sooner or later so my wonderful daughter bought me a wig for mothers day that year. and it looked very nice. but it bugged me to wear it. but i did wear it. i don't know what i would have done without it. thank you Angie so much. so anyway my summer of 05 was spent suffering through chemo. i was glad it was summer i spent a lot of time on my back porch in my swing. i don't enjoy cold weather at all so i am glad it was summer. 24 hours after chemo i would return to the hospital for my neulasta shot which kept my immune system up so i didn't get sick. at least until my last chemo i thought at long last finally the last chemo unless of course i still had cancer, because i still worried that it wouldn't work given how large my tumor was and the fact that it had metastasized to 2 of the 16 lymph nodes they took out. and the tumor was 13x7.5x5 cm. so anyway after the last chemo the doctor didn't order my neulasta shot he wanted to see if my immune system would rebound on its own. well wouldn't you know i ended up in the hospital with neutropenia because my immune system bottomed out on me. and again i had to have iv antibiotics in an arm that had already bad veins. they had to change the iv every few hours sometimes my veins would just collapse and they would move higher up my arm. well anyway i finally got better after about 4 days and went home under house arrest for about another week to make sure my system built itself back up. so i finally started feeling better. then i had the radiation 25 treatments 5 days a week. Piece of cake. i took the last treatment the week before thanksgiving. so that was it. go to the doctor every 3 months for blood work to make sure every thing is good and a cat scan of my lungs about every 6 months. the first ct showed something that appears to not be cancer. and they are keeping an eye on it . so i am in remission. THANK YOU JESUS!!!!!!!!!! well it is late once again and i have to go . i will pick up with the reconstruction story next time.

padiddle

Happy New Year

2007-01-01T13:49:00.000-05:00

For me i hope it is a happy new hair year!!!!!! I had such beautiful long thick hair before chemo now it is so very thin especially on top. I have to get my drivers license picture taken next month i hope it improves a little by then. And of course that is when i turn 50. It just doesnt seem posible to be that old. When you are young and healthy and good looking you cant imagine yourself at such an age. I am not one of those that will age gracefully. i am going to fight it all the way. As long as the cancer stays at bay. I honestly thought nothing could be worse than chemo but going through breast reconstruction was something else alltogether. I just happen to be one of the few that had major complications.

After chemo i had 25 radiation treatments that were a piece of cake comparatively speaking. By thanksgiving of 05 it was over and i thought now i can start thinking about putting my body back together. So in June of 06 I went to a wonderful Doctor in Morgantown we both agreed the time was right. Some doctors think you should wait a year after radiation before you have reconstruction. because the skin needs time to recover. Well maybe if i had things would have turned out differently but who knows. Hind site is 20/20. So anyway away we went with it. in the middle of june i had a what they called a "tram delay surgery" same day thing wanst bad at all . this was a vascular surgery to make sure the tissue had a good blood supply to it. Then 2 weeks later the big one. I went in the 29th for the reconstruction. They had to build me a left breast out of the fat of my stomach, and i certainly had enough to do that. as a result i basically got a tummy tuck. which is probably the best thing that came out fo this. Then they had to reduce the right one. i was a large C cup before all this started. no i was down to one C cup on the right and flat on the left . I felt horibly deformed. Though i eventually got a prosthetic silicone breast to wear in my bra that made me look normal when i was dressed. But without it i was just disgusting . even with clothes on there was a quite noticable deformity. I always tried to wear a lot of bulky clothes so that it would not be as obvious. You might be suprised at the people told me that i should n`t have the surgery. they would say that it wasnt even noticable when i had my prosthetic one on. but they didnt have to wear it and they didnt have to see themselves in the mirror or take a shower and feel the empty hole where i used to have a breast. and that was mostly family . i never talked to any one except them and a preacher across the street that prayed with me and for me all the time. And even he said at my age it wouldnt be worth it. but then they hadnt been through such devistation.
So i went for it. I was in surgery for 8 hours. In a climate controlled room for 2 days. The pain and heat lamps were absalutely unbearable. If i had any idea i would never have done it. Not to mention right off the bat i had dying tissue. That wasnot at all good. then the pain medicine gave me night mares and halucenations. Then i got a migrain headache on top of that. Threw up with that. Finally got the percocet changed to tylenol with codene. Then migrain medication. Finally started to breathe. I was so miserable the first couple days i told my daughter and husband not to come see me. It would only have upset them and i was so out of it i just didnt care. at one point i asked to see the hospital chaplain. i just need to be prayed for . and i really thought i was going to die. That is how bad it was for me . Of course i have always been a big baby. but it really was terrible. Now i dont want to scare anyone who might be in the position to have to have this done. Not every one has the same problems i had. So dont let this scare you out. who knows i cant honestly say that if i had know how bad it could have been i might still have had it done. There is such a big empty place that is missing from your body that you feel a certain compulsion to fill it again. and that is the way it was with me.
So after about 7 or 8 days i was finally comfortable enough to go home. Well i really have to start supper my kids are going to be here soon so i will finish this later promise.

life as a breast cancer survivor

2006-12-30T19:49:00.000-05:00

I will be the big 50 in February. I was diagnosed with breast cancer in April of 05. Had to have a complete mastectomy on the left breast the same month. I had 6 intensive chemo treatments. Adriamycin, taxotere, and cytoxen. All 3 in all 6 treatments. My doctor thought i was young enough that my veins could take it so i didn't have a port. That was a very bad mistake. I think a port should be standard procedure for any cancer that means you have to have chemo. I am sitting here watching a movie. It is called why i wore lipstick to my mastectomy. It brings back a lot of memories for me . It will be 2 years in April of 07. 3 more to go for the words i need to hear. YOU`RE CURED!!!!!!!!!!!
It is the day before New Years and about 40 degrees. We have had a Very mild winter hear in central West Virginia. That is the way i like it.
Anyway it is getting late and i should go for now if anyone runs across this blog and i can help in anyway please let me know.

Padiddle