Happy New Year

For me i hope it is a happy new hair year!!!!!! I had such beautiful long thick hair before chemo now it is so very thin especially on top. I have to get my drivers license picture taken next month i hope it improves a little by then. And of course that is when i turn 50. It just doesnt seem posible to be that old. When you are young and healthy and good looking you cant imagine yourself at such an age. I am not one of those that will age gracefully. i am going to fight it all the way. As long as the cancer stays at bay. I honestly thought nothing could be worse than chemo but going through breast reconstruction was something else alltogether. I just happen to be one of the few that had major complications.

After chemo i had 25 radiation treatments that were a piece of cake comparatively speaking. By thanksgiving of 05 it was over and i thought now i can start thinking about putting my body back together. So in June of 06 I went to a wonderful Doctor in Morgantown we both agreed the time was right. Some doctors think you should wait a year after radiation before you have reconstruction. because the skin needs time to recover. Well maybe if i had things would have turned out differently but who knows. Hind site is 20/20. So anyway away we went with it. in the middle of june i had a what they called a "tram delay surgery" same day thing wanst bad at all . this was a vascular surgery to make sure the tissue had a good blood supply to it. Then 2 weeks later the big one. I went in the 29th for the reconstruction. They had to build me a left breast out of the fat of my stomach, and i certainly had enough to do that. as a result i basically got a tummy tuck. which is probably the best thing that came out fo this. Then they had to reduce the right one. i was a large C cup before all this started. no i was down to one C cup on the right and flat on the left . I felt horibly deformed. Though i eventually got a prosthetic silicone breast to wear in my bra that made me look normal when i was dressed. But without it i was just disgusting . even with clothes on there was a quite noticable deformity. I always tried to wear a lot of bulky clothes so that it would not be as obvious. You might be suprised at the people told me that i should n`t have the surgery. they would say that it wasnt even noticable when i had my prosthetic one on. but they didnt have to wear it and they didnt have to see themselves in the mirror or take a shower and feel the empty hole where i used to have a breast. and that was mostly family . i never talked to any one except them and a preacher across the street that prayed with me and for me all the time. And even he said at my age it wouldnt be worth it. but then they hadnt been through such devistation.
So i went for it. I was in surgery for 8 hours. In a climate controlled room for 2 days. The pain and heat lamps were absalutely unbearable. If i had any idea i would never have done it. Not to mention right off the bat i had dying tissue. That wasnot at all good. then the pain medicine gave me night mares and halucenations. Then i got a migrain headache on top of that. Threw up with that. Finally got the percocet changed to tylenol with codene. Then migrain medication. Finally started to breathe. I was so miserable the first couple days i told my daughter and husband not to come see me. It would only have upset them and i was so out of it i just didnt care. at one point i asked to see the hospital chaplain. i just need to be prayed for . and i really thought i was going to die. That is how bad it was for me . Of course i have always been a big baby. but it really was terrible. Now i dont want to scare anyone who might be in the position to have to have this done. Not every one has the same problems i had. So dont let this scare you out. who knows i cant honestly say that if i had know how bad it could have been i might still have had it done. There is such a big empty place that is missing from your body that you feel a certain compulsion to fill it again. and that is the way it was with me.
So after about 7 or 8 days i was finally comfortable enough to go home. Well i really have to start supper my kids are going to be here soon so i will finish this later promise.